


Saudade

by ms_tantrum



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:11:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_tantrum/pseuds/ms_tantrum
Summary: I sleep alone clutching your pillow although your scent has long faded away. Many nights I awaken screaming your name as if you will suddenly appear beside me. I sit in sorrow trembling, as a slow torturous burning claws at my heart. I sit praying for God to alter this reality. I pray for him to give you back to me.Days slowly pass as this festering wound rapidly engulfs me. I’m falling, slipping into the darkness that calls sweetly; drowning in nothingness as solitude becomes me. All that was me was you and that now there is no you, what’s left of me? I have become a mere impression of past exuberance and gleefulness. This once living soul has reduced to pure and utter agony.. Saudade: a feeling of nostalgia, a longing for a person that is distant now, unreachable. "the love that remains"





	1. Goodnight, my beloved

**Author's Note:**

> .
> 
>  
> 
> AN: Chapter title is from The GazettE song Last Heaven

As I make my way through the front door I still hear my mother calling after me, but I don’t stop. I step onto the porch, shivering as the frigid air whips across my face. I debate going in to grab my jacket before quickly deciding that finding my fiancé is more important. I should have known this would happen the moment my mother invited us over for dinner.

In the years that Leo and I have known each other, my mother used to love him. Having grown up together, we were inseparable. Our parents had been classmates and best friends so naturally Leo and I spent nearly every day having play dates with one another while our parents hung out. As we got older there was rarely a time when one would see one of us but not the other. Our bond only grew stronger over the years and we were like brothers.

In our second year of high school, my parents were going through a messy divorce and decided it would be better for me to stay with Leo’s parents until things were settled. It was around that time that things took an awkward turn with the two of us. Our gazes lingered a little more that they should have, and touches didn’t feel quite so brotherly. There were times where I would catch myself thinking about Leo in ways I was positive was abnormal. We didn’t understand what was happening at the time and chose to avoid each other as best we could.

It wasn’t long before we decided that it was entirely too hard to stay away from one another. We agreed that since avoiding each other wasn’t an option the only thing we could do was to figure out what was happening between us. I was determined to just ignore the feelings I had long come to term with. I told myself that what I was feeling was wrong and that nothing would ever come of it.

.. 

 

“I’m in love with you.”

The way he had let the words fall from his lips so effortlessly took me by surprise as we were studying for our senior finals. I wasn’t exactly surprised at his statement; I was more surprised at how easy it had been for him to admit it. I had been fighting those feelings for so long I’d never imagined that Leo and I could ever actually be together. Coming out to our parents had been the hardest thing that either of us had ever endured. We were resolute in our relationship even after being kicked out of our parent’s homes.

 

While we were in collage, I built up the courage to ask Leo to marry me. We had already spent our entire life together there was nothing I wanted more that to spend the rest of it with him as well. I couldn’t be more ecstatic when he accepted. While I didn’t speak to my mother much, I felt it was only right to inform her of our engagement. To say that she hadn’t taken it very well would be an understatement. That’s why receiving a dinner invitation a few months later came as a surprise to us both.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” Leo voiced his worry and I had to agree with him. Why now, after all of these years of ignoring Leo and I’s relationship would she invite us over? I push it aside trying to think about it optimistically. Maybe she was finally coming around. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Had I know her true intentions, I would have never brought Leo to this house.

I slowly drive down the empty streets of my mother’s neighborhood in search of my love. He couldn’t have gotten very far on foot, especially in this weather. There are at least four inches covering the entire ground. Under the snow on the street, melted by the many cars, is a thin layer of ice, not thick enough to make driving impossible, but enough to take extra precautions.

“Where the hell are you?” I mumble to myself as I round yet another corner with no sign of him anywhere. I know I need to find Leo soon or he’s bound to get sick. I've been driving around for almost an hour before I see a small figure dressed in all black, with their arm hugged tightly around their torso. Even though their head is hung preventing me from seeing his face, I know it's him; I could spot my love in a sea of a thousand people. I slowly pull up to the curb and roll the window down. He turns and looks right at me.

“Get in!” I yell through the window. Part of me is thankful that I've found him but the unreasonable part of me speaks up first as he gently lowers himself into the car without a word.

 

“Do you have any idea how stupid that was? Why would you just run off like that? You don’t even have a clue where you are! What if something had happened to you? Then what? Look at what you have on; its way too cold for you to be out here with only that thin shirt on!”

I see him take in my jacketless torso and bare arms but still he says nothing. He continues to stare out the window as I drive onto the main road towards our apartment on the other side of town.

“Damn it, Leo, answer me!” After a moment of silence from him, I try again. “TAEKWOON!!!”

“What do you want me to say, huh? I’m sorry okay? I shouldn’t have run out like that, and you're right; I don’t know where we are, but I couldn’t just sit there and listen to her talk to me like that! She said I brain washed you into thinking our relationship was normal. I knew it may have taken her a while to get used to us being together, but now I see that she won't ever accepted it, Hakyeon! She hates me; almost as much as my own parents.”

He exploded. His voice had started out high and loud but ended in a soft whisper. It's as if he's been holding it in all night. Now that I think about it, that’s probably exactly what he has been doing. I had been so wrapped up in trying to figure out what my mother had wanted from us, I never spared a thought as to how Leo would feel. After we came out to our parents, in addition to being kicked out of his house, his parents had completely disowned him. They had cut all ties with him and he hasn’t heard from them since.

“So, what Taekwoon-ah? We are both adults, I don’t need her to accept it! I love you and you love me; there is nothing she can do to split us up, and you know that. No matter what she say I will always love you!”

“I know,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.” He looks down at his lap again, and for the first time, I notice his eyes are bloodshot and his face is tear-streaked. As I stare at Leo, I can’t help but realize how childlike he looks. People don’t realize that behind that stone faced cold Leo, there was Taekwoon. A man who was caring and sweet; that gave up his family for the person he loved. A man that craved to be love and accepted. I reach over a run my finger along his cheek, catching a stray tear.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you baby, I just… I worry about you so much. As for my mother , please, love, don’t let her get to you. I’m here because I choose to be because I love you. You know that and I know that. So please don’t cry.”

I watch him timidly look up with a soft smile and feel my own smile fall as his eyes go wide and he lets out a scream.

“HAKYEON!!!”

I look up just in time to see a car on the wrong side of the road heading straight for us. The next few minutes are a blur. The only thing I can hear is the screeching of tires, the blaring of a car horn, and Leo’s terrified screams. I try in vain to get the car in control, but I only succeed in slamming the passenger side into the street light. The car flips three times before I feel it sliding to a halt. The sound of my heart is beating so loudly in my ears that I can barely hear Leo call out to me.

“Hakyeon-ah?”

“Yeah, baby, I’m here. Are you alright?”

“Hyung, I’m scared.”

I look over at him and my heart jumps into my throat. His tears are running up into his hair line and his whole body is shaking. His once ash brown hair was now tainted a deep red and is matted to the side of his face. The adrenalin pumping through my system has my only focus on saving Taekwoon.

“Okay, its okay. I’m gonna get you out of here.”

I undo my seat belt and let my body fall to the roof of my car. It took a bit of fiddling with the door handle, before I was able to get it open. I roll out into the street half-crawling, half-stumbling across the front of the vehicle to my fiancé’s side ignoring the pain shooting through my body.

When get to his side, I see that he has lost consciousness and I force myself not to break down. The pole we had hit had jammed the door shut so I struggle to pull his bigger build through the frame of what used to be a window.. I drag our bodies to the stoplight and look at my car at the bottom of the hill we have apparently rolled down. I silently thank God and wait for the ambulance to arrive while holding onto my love.

Once they get to us, I climb in after they strap him to a stretcher and roll him in. The entire way to the hospital, I choke back tears as I give the EMTs all the information they need.When we get inside of the hospital, I follow closely behind the EMTs and nurse pushing Leo until we reach two giant wooden doors and a different nurse pulls me away.

“I’m sorry, dear," she says, “but you need to be checked out, as well. You were in the car also, right?”

I hesitantly nod and follow her into an empty, sterile room, where she examines me. She says it's clear that I don’t have any broken bones, but they want to do X-rays and run a couple test before they can allow me to leave. I cooperate, because I know that if I don't have anything to keep my mind busy, I’ll drive myself insane worrying about my Leo. 

When we are done with the tests, she takes me back into the room to clean my cuts. She has just put a white bandage on my forehead when a big man in a white lab coat walks in. The name on his name tag reads Shin Donghee. For some reason, upon seeing this man’s kind face, I feel a flicker of hope ignite inside of me.

That hope is quickly diminished with his soft sad smile and small shake of his head. I feel my heart break and my stomach turn with each word. “Taekwoon-shii has a fracture of the skull which allowed blood to seep in and begin to form clots. There is extensive internal bleeding that we’ve tried our best to stop. Im sorry to inform you that there’s nothing else we can do but to make him as comfortable as possible while he passes on.”

I have long since stopped listening, but my mind comprehends everything he is saying to me. My chest swells and my throat feels tight as my eyes burn with unshed tears.

My best friend, my fiancé, my love, my life is dying all because of me, and I will never get the chance to apologize. As if reading my mind, the doctor speaks again.

“I can arrange for you two to spend his final moments together undisturbed, although I must warn you, he is heavily sedated.”

I nod, not trusting my voice just yet, and stand up from the hard hospital bed. He leads me to a room on a different level than where we had been. We stop in front of a heavy-looking door and he turns to look at me before he carefully pushes the door open.

There, inside, lays my beautiful Taekwoon in a nest of blankets and pillows still unconscious. Even with the many bandages, tubes and wires adorning his body, he is still breathtaking. It takes me a minute to step into the room, but once I do, I hear the soft click of the door behind me. I make my way over to the bed, looking over all of the machines he is hooked up to. I take in a deep breath, hoping to quell the tears that are threatening to fall as I kneel beside him. I take his hand in my own and simply stare at our hands before I speak.

“I’m so sorry Leo-ah. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t made you come with me, if I had listened to you when you said you had a bad feeling. You wouldn’t be here. If I hadn’t fallen in love with you none of this would have happened”. I lay my head on top of our hands and draw in another shaky breath, still not allowing myself to cry.

“God, if I had just stood up for you when my mother started going on and on about you, I could have stopped you from running out. Then I yelled at you as soon as I found you. I’m so selfish, I didn’t even ask if you were okay, or turn the heat in the car up or anything! If I had been paying attention to where I was going, I would have seen the car sooner and I could have…”

 

I stop mid-sentence as I feel his finger twitch under my own. I look up and see his eyes are open, yet heavily hooded, and staring down at me. Without a second thought, I lean up and kiss him with all the passion inside of me and i feel him weakly kiss me back as best as he can. We put everything we have into what we know will be our last kiss. It lasts for what seemed like an eternity but ends way too soon. As I pull back from his lips, I whisper, “I love you, always.”

He smiles as his eyes gently close and the heart monitor flat lines. I kiss his cheek and rest my head against our hands again; finally letting my hot tears run down Leo’s slowly cooling hand...


	2. City lights, like rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever wondered what you would see as you free-fell from the top of a building? I wonder if the lights would look like rain....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of suicide

Inside the doorway, fleeting memories burn and fragile silence speaks at every turn. The quietness screams all the misery that my soul feels. It reminds me that you are no longer here. “Remember me as I remember you and the muted laughter that our eyes once knew.”

 

Your words echo in my head leaving me breathless and dizzy. Taunting me with what I've already forgotten. I hesitate before slowing entering the room. This room where there was an ‘us’. This room that once held our love and passion. This cold, desolate room where my heart weeps freely.

 

I sleep alone clutching your pillow although your scent has long faded away. Many nights I awaken screaming your name as if you will suddenly appear beside me. I sit in sorrow trembling, as a slow torturous burning claws at my heart. I sit praying for God to alter this reality. I pray for him to give you back to me.

 

Days slowly pass as this festering wound rapidly engulfs me. I’m falling, slipping into the darkness that calls sweetly; drowning in nothingness as solitude becomes me. All that was me was you and that now there is no you, what’s left of me? I have become a mere impression of past exuberance and gleefulness. This once living soul has reduced to pure and utter Agony.

Emotionally, physically and mentally, I am broken. Its been two years, seven months, twelve days, and sixteen hours. That's 943 days I've had to spend without my beloved. 22648 hours spent trying to convince myself that I'll be fine without my other half...I'm not. After the first few months of putting on a brave face for our friends, I could feel the mask slowly cracking. I could no longer force myself to lie and say that I'm alright without you. After a while, it became so tiring I couldn't find the strength to keep the facade. I couldn’t even muster u the strength to hate my mother anymore. I allowed myself to sink into misery; I haven left our apartment since.

I don't eat, I barley sleep and when I do, the night that took you away from me replays over and over. I cry yet no one sees. I scream and no one hears. I'm reaching out but no one is there to pull me back, to save me. Nothing can compare to the loneliness of losing your soulmate.

 

Sure, I thought about it in the past and I knew it would hurt, but this. This is not what I expected. My everything has crumbled and fallen down around me and I don't know what to do. I had foolishly believed I was the stronger one between us. Losing you showed me how lost I truly am without you.

I rise out of our bed and walk out the balcony. I take a cigarette from the pack and light it and look up at the night sky. The stars always remind me of you and the nights we would sit out here staring at the sky. I feel hot tears running down my face.

"Damn it!" I scream in frustration, "I need you and your not here!! It’s so fucking unfair! Why this happen, what was the reason and what the hell am i supposed to do without you Taekwoon? Why did you leave me alone? "I whimper pathetically. The wind blows across my face and carries a soft whisper with it.

 

Follow me, it says, Come to me hyung.

 

I'm not sure if its my delusionary mind playing tricks on me or if your speaking to me. Either way, I'm listening. Without a second thought I climb onto the railing, swinging my legs as I balancing on the ledge.

 

I sit there calmly, allowing the peace and tranquility to wash over me. I look to my left and there you are, smiling brightly as you reach for my hand. I feel warmth explode in my chest as I break down again. I open my mouth to tell you how much I’ve missed you and ask how you are sitting here with me. Before the words make their way out I see you shake your head.

 

Let go.

 

Your mouth doesn't move but I hear you loud and clear. It’s time to let go of the pain and hurt inside of me. It’s time to let go of the anger and the confusion of what I'm supposed to do. I understand now. There is nothing I can do without you. It’s time for me to let it all go so I close my eyes, let go, and I soar to the heavens where I know you're waiting for me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to anyone who decided to read this. questions, comments and constructive criticism is always loved and appreciated ♥ 
> 
> ^_^*


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